You know, I didn't realize that our little Jonah was such a big celebrity. I mean he told me he was but I guess I didn't believe it. I just read this article about him that was in Rolling Stone Magazine. Again, he told me about it but I never got around to actually reading it. It's pretty good.
You go Jonah!
Excerpted from RS 924, June 12, 2003
When Jonah Falcon was in fifth grade, his class was allowed to use the school swimming pool. Like many ten-year-olds, the boy was modest and decided to change into his swimsuit in a bathroom stall. Locker-room noises ricocheted outside as Jonah dropped his pants. Then, silence. At first, he wondered if everyone had run away. He looked up and saw fingers wrapped over the top of his stall. Then more fingers. And eyes. His classmates, as many as could wedge themselves around the perimeter of the stall, had hoisted themselves up to peer at what Jonah had exposed.
Jonah did not know it was unusual for a ten-year-old boy to have an eight-inch penis. He was unaware that his organ was already longer, thicker and heavier than any owned by his classmates' fathers. All he knew was that the silence and the staring boys made him want to burst out of the stall and run away. But Jonah didn't run away or close his eyes. Pinned inside the toilet stall, pants scrunched around his ankles, he saw a new expression in the eyes of the boys. They looked, Jonah thought, to be in the presence of God.
The average adult penis, according to the Kinsey Institute, measures just under six inches when erect. Most men -- about eighty-seven percent -- are between five and seven inches. Dr. Alfred Kinsey found that the largest reported penis was a bit more than nine inches erect.
Jonah Falcon's penis is 9.5 inches flaccid, 13.5 inches erect. Tense your forearm. Now wrap your hand around the middle of the muscle. That is the girth of Falcon's erection. Those who have witnessed it describe it as "grotesque," "gorgeous," "hideous" and "stunning." Falcon, who stands five foot nine, thinks his penis is perfectly formed, with a fifteen-degree downward curvature at the six-inch mark and absent the blotching, lumpiness and sudden bends that mark some oversize sex organs. A penis this size functions, physiologically, like any other, according to urologists, a claim substantiated by Falcon. His balls are proportionately huge, each the size of a grade-A jumbo egg. When erect, Falcon's penis generates enough heat to warm hands -- campfire style -- from a distance of six inches.
Today, Falcon's beloved Yankees play the Mets at Yankee Stadium. He feels the subway calling. He will need his full supply of gear to attend a game of this consequence -- glove, empty bag, yearbook and a pair of authentic Yankees pinstripe pants two sizes too small.
"People are going to stare at my dick," he acknowledges. "But I'm a Yankees fan, and that comes first."
Falcon packs his penis to the left and buttons his pants. The human brain needs several seconds to reconcile the sight. His dick stretches across his pelvis and settles against his outer thigh. The head of Falcon's organ rises in unmistakable relief from beneath the fabric. His balls, especially when he pushes them up as he does today, look like the wide, oval eyes ascribed to Martians in popular drawings. Never does the sight of Falcon's equipment suggest a kielbasa or any such inert object. In clothes, with every step, Falcon's penis is alive. He refers to his penis as "it" or "my dick." "I won't call it Little German or Ralph, like other guys," he says. "More insecure guys name their dicks."
Just one block into the trip, Falcon approaches two nattily dressed Wall Street types hailing a cab. One man elbows his friend frantically as Falcon passes. Both stare directly at his crotch as a dozen taxis fly past. Falcon focuses on their faces -- familiar expressions to him. It is the look men get when they meet Michael Jordan or Keith Richards, the look of someone contemplating something fundamentally more powerful than himself.
A lilt begins to animate Falcon's stride. "People always want to talk about my potential," Falcon says. "But I have unlimited potential. I can do whatever I want."
Jonah Cardeli Falcon was born in 1970 to Cecilia Cardeli and a man who died shortly after Jonah's birth. Falcon has at times said that his biological father was legendary porn star John "Johnny Wadd" Holmes, who died of AIDS in 1988. Holmes was known for the length of his penis (which happens to be roughly the same size as Jonah's). Falcon claims to possess "confidential" information proving his lineage, but family members scoff at this suggestion.
Falcon asks that if I interview his mother, I do not speak to her about his penis. "I'm pretty sure she knows about it," he says. "But it's not a topic for a mother."
I ask Cardeli about Jonah's childhood. She interrupts. "I know the reason you're calling. Look, it's genetic. He was born like that, and he was always big for his age. But it's not his big penis, it's society's need to fixate on it. We're in a world where men see their manhood in their penises."
As an only child, Jonah shared a four-story house in Brooklyn with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and great-grandparents. Cardeli says that the blond-haired, blue-eyed boy was reading by eighteen months, a claim his cousins substantiate. When Jonah was six, his mother decided to find work and sent her son to Puerto Rico to live with his grandmother. He stayed for three years and climbed avocado trees and made water balloons and sobbed when his mother left after visiting.
When she did return to New York with him, Jonah's mother sent him to live at the Infants Home of Brooklyn, a residence that provided, among other things, foster care for children. "I don't think my mom could afford me," he says. "But it's no big deal. My past has so unaffected me." He stayed at IHB for three happy years, where he was appreciated for his first-rate mind and during which no one, including Jonah, thought much about his penis.
But after that day in the locker room, he was treated with deference. When Jonah was ten, an older neighborhood kid told an eighteen-year-old woman, "I've got a buddy who's got the biggest dick you'll ever see. It's probably a foot long. He's kind of shy. Want to fuck him?" The woman said she did. So Jonah, who was five foot zero, maybe ninety-eight pounds and mostly bald in the crotch, agreed to meet this woman. He didn't know what sex was, but he showed up, and the woman showed up, too -- red hair, average build, brown eyes. Jonah had no clue what to do, but he knew that people had sex lying down, so he lay on his back and waited. He remembers "fondling and fucking" and that the woman was probably on top, but all that is vague to him now. What still echoes is the woman's refrain: "Holy shit! I've never seen anything like that in my life. Holy shit! . . ."